Six Months Later – Stumbling Isn't Stopping

It's been 6 months since I lost Tay.

My partner.

My best friend.

The man I spent 24 years building a life with.

There's almost not a day that passes where I don't cry. I still struggle to sleep. I still struggle to eat.

But life keeps moving whether you're ready or not.

I'm not the same person I was, and I never will be again.

You've already seen some of the changes. The tattoos. The darker clothes. The disappearance of the bright vests and onesies. I'm learning to embrace all of who I am now and who I'm becoming.

At the moment, that's a darker, more direct version of Tatt. One with a slightly more twisted sense of humour and a brain that occasionally forgets it should filter certain thoughts before they leave my mouth.

It's one of the reasons I've stepped back from interviews for a while. Too many masks have fallen away over the last six months, and I'm still figuring out who I am underneath them. Writing is easier.

One thing I've learned over the last six months is that grief doesn't always hit when you expect it to.

Earlier this year I came back from Scarborough Beach Weekender absolutely buzzing. It was one of those weekends that reminded me why I built BTN in the first place. Great music, great people, amazing opportunities and a chance to do something I genuinely love.

Then I got home....

And the crash that followed was unlike anything I'd experienced before.

I couldn't function. I couldn't focus. I couldn't write the individual reviews I had planned.

For someone who prides himself on following through, that hit hard.

I think part of me expected grief to get easier as time went on. Instead, sometimes it waits until after the good moments, then reminds you it's still there.

BTN kept going. The website kept growing. The music never stopped. Even when I wasn't at my best, I kept showing up where I could.

For the reviews I missed, the opportunities I fumbled, and the moments where grief got the better of me, I'll make up for them the only way I know how.

By working my ass off.

Because stumbling isn't the same as stopping.

With all that said, I'm always happy to chat with podcasters about life, grief, resilience, the ups and the absolute canyons I've fallen into and somehow climbed back out of. You might just need a bleep button handy.

I've been an out queer man for almost 30 years. I met the love of my life at 7, found him again at 21, and together we spent 24 chaotic, beautiful years building a life that most people would never risk everything for.

And in the end, it cost me everything.

But I'm still standing.

The last six months have been filled with packing up a property we thought we'd grow old in, saying goodbye to animals we thought we'd have forever, and preparing to leave a place that was ours.

Through all of that, I've kept working on BTN.

Trying to build something meaningful. Trying to keep a promise I made to make it into something that matters.

One thing that's changed is my focus. BTN has always been about both music and mental health, but right now music is where I can consistently show up.

The grief journey has made it harder for me to write about mental health while I'm still figuring out my own.

Because of that, I've reached out to a few people to contribute to our mental health section and share their own experiences and perspectives. Hopefully that means we'll soon have some fresh voices, diverse insights and conversations that continue helping people while I find my own balance again.

If you've got a story to tell, lived experience to share, or insights that might help someone else feel less alone, we'd love to hear from you. Reach out through BTN and let's start a conversation about contributing to the mental health section.

I've still been getting to gigs when I can, although balancing grief, health, life and distance isn't always easy.

July is looking busy, and you'll probably start seeing a different side of Tatt emerge.

For now, I'm still stuck in the country, so access to gigs can be limited. Hopefully the move comes soon and the next chapter begins.

Until then, if a musician asks, I'll always do my best to get there.... Depending on which state or country I'm in at the time!

For now, that's Western Australia.

By Uncle Tatt — host of “Between the Notes,”

You don't have to have it all together to keep moving forward.